We're growing up

I would pretty much love to say that the tough education system has relinquished any thoughts in my mind to be thought about, which is why I haven't been blogging as much.. Most of my thoughts are being penned down in my essays of which I have trouble organizing my thoughts. They go all over the place!

Life's definitely been tough, but like-minded friends makes it a lot more enjoyable. I'm looking forward to the short break in June - with intense mugging for BT2 as well.

God's been good as always; whether 'm good or bad it doesn't quite affect His ever-unconditional love and grace. Sweet o' grace. How can I give up on you so easily? More importantly is, how do I go about making you the center of my life - for as long as I shall live? I am greedy. I was reading Set Apart Girls and wondering why can't Christian girls just be like absolutely normal people. Just what's wrong? We're not burning down houses or committing crimes against humanity, whatsoever.

To be very frank, I'd love the best of both worlds. I want to go crazy with Pris and Jess like I do now, which I probably cannot if I fully commit myself to church. It's not that I want to draw such a distinct line, but it's a fact that the line is there. I can't have both. I can only choose one. It's not that I don't have fun with churchies, but it's different. They say earthly gains are purely temporary but eternity lasts forever. If I say I want a plan which I can fall back on, then I'm saying I don't have complete faith in God.

So what goes on from now?

I'm trying to strike a balance which would probably never happen. Just like how pressure gradient force tries to equalize air pressure in vain, which is why the wind keeps blowing.. But I shall live my life happily, as best as I can, for myself and for God. I'm fully convinced that the church is good, my God is good, my friends are good, my family is good. And I don't want to look back at my life only to realize I have neglected a certain aspect of my life AND THEN REGRET. It'll be too late by then!

Thanks awesum people for allowing me to realize this. And yes, these r purely MY OWN thoughts with no grain of salt added from anywhere else.

Lurv

Spent today with the best friend Priscilla and a close friend Jessica. Hoho, Stella needs to search for new friends cos all my friends are gonna leave me to die in Singapore. Haha! It was so nice anyways, so relaxing. How come the weekend has to go so quickly? :(

Had 3 bowls of soup - Lotus Root, Spine Meat and Ginseng Chicken, 1.5 glasses of Erdinger, Wendy's Shrimpalicious and Duck/Tandoori pizza. I'd really love life if everyday's like that. :) Not forgetting the awesome company! Still deciding which perfume to get. If Jessica's gonna get DNKY Green then I'm getting DKNY normal pink or maybe Kenzo. Spent so much money I want to die. Save me.

With love from Stella

A lot has happened over this period of time. It's been.. quite a woo-ha, as I'd put it. Term 2 of 2011 I've seen so many people cried, more so than my entire schooling life. That's probably how stress and cocked up the JC system is. Stacia said she'll go ask the prime minister about the shitty Singapore education system if she could..

Anyhows, whatever I said previously right. I think friends are still important as pillars of hope and support. When I did badly for PW, I called Pris and Mama Shu. They offered a lot of help, so as Delia Foo decided to help me out sourcing for Biology tuition. I sincerely thank God for friends. But I've said it before, and will say it again, that not all friends are worth making. But since you are taking the effort to read this, you probably are worth it ok. Stop reading too much into things my dear friends.. things've been relatively tough for me, I hope you'll understand. My world's screwed, I'm trying to pick myself up.. give me a while more.. and lo & behold! The dear girl you know would make her reappearance. I miss being carefree and retarded frankly. But I've been so emotional I also don't know how to react to my self!

And I'm sooooo glad, you know like Gena Tan's been frigging amazing to me. 8 years of being best friends, really.. awesome beyond what I can say. Helped me source for tuition, encouraged me... yah Xinyi also! Primary school friends are like damn amazing can.. hur. Okay, I shall not add further, my bestie lala is prone to getting jealous REAL EASY HAHAHAHAHHA. K BYE

Still

To be honest, I'm quite faithless for block tests despite mugging (a bit) and through all the faithless times I really hear a voice within myself or some where, some how.. I think I'm relying on my only hope. You're an amazing.

Angel

I've been trying to reflect upon my life.. to me, it's like a routine thing to do when I'm alone by myself esp at this time of the night.

Admittedly, a lot came to my mind tonight. I realized that these days I've been making friends without the thought of keeping them to be my friends for a long time to come. Except for those I've known for quite a long period of time and keeping in contact with.

Perhaps my only thought of making friends right now is because I have to? I mean my belief places me in a position whereby I just have to accept everything even though they are of vast difference from me. But after all, there isn't much understanding, more of tolerance.. and there has been so much I try to take in my stride. I try to just ignore but no worries, it does not haunt me. It simply became too minute for me to bother. But whatever happened to loving people, I really do not know. I hate how competitive this community is. But that's the way life goes I suppose. I really think if I were to get out of the school right now, there's not even one thing I would miss.

Amazingly I feel stressed not because I've not studied, but because everyone keeps on going about how much they've studied on every social networking means that it got on my nerves. Thoughts like "what if I do worse?" and "what the shit please stop boasting thanks" crowd my mind. I've partly lost the motivation because of how amazing school is at discouraging us, because the probable only motivation other than my ambition is so as the school won't call my parents and creepy soh won't haunt after me. It's not a positive motivation though. So it's not exactly working. School's just trying too hard.

Stella is so sick and tired of everything. I just want all of it to end here and now. Thank god for you people who keep telling me it's gonna end really soon. But how soon exactly is soon. Just like how bad is bad the situation in Japan, we do not know. Part of me feels like I've given up on really making friends.. part of me thinks it's stupid to be really nice and vulnerable in front of people. I want to stop being nice please? Can I please tell people right into their face that I actually cannot stand them... and no matter how hard I try, I still can't. I bet some of you are trying equally hard as me. I salute you.

And thank God for you people who remain patient when I give up hope, can accept me even when I'm damn mean, bitchy and rebellious. I think I'm kinda done with friends.. they used to be REALLY important to me, they still are but progressively, it's getting lesser every day. Which is quite a good thing I suppose. Though those who are important still remain just as important.

Anyhows, the kimchi we drove home from bukit timah is the best thing on Earth really.

Let it shine

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were all meant to shine, as children do.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

from stef's (:

-

I've been stressed and it's been amazing how I haven't been telling yet everyone knows it from I don't know where and how. Tonight's mega-prayer-meet-like Metamorphosis concert was liberating. Thank God for God. What would I be without God? Zuoen and I cried so much I don't even know where to start from. During worship I cried, when I had to share I nearly cried.. then during worship I cried again. This year's been crazy for me, there was once I just lay on my bed and cry my eyes bawl without even knowing why I was crying. Frankly I don't know what's wrong. But a touch from God can change my life and so can it do for yours. I mean I was totally overwhelmed by the presence of HS and when we were singing this

Lord Your Name is higher than the heavens
Lord Your Name is higher than all created things
Higher than hope
Higher than dreams

I was so convicted that my God is sovereign above all.. my studies, the expectations, and simply everything. I know He is in control.

I can't help but to feel an extreme burden for Japan. Please keep praying..God will move.

Sendai

A few weeks back I blogged about the Christchurch earthquake and since Friday, I've been following on the Sendai earthquake which is much more devastating than the Christchurch one. I can't help but feel so sorry for Japan.

Actually the first thought that came to my mind when I heard saw the tweet about the Japanese earthquake was that ay, Japan has state-of-the-art kinda infrastructures and technology, so what's there to worry! I think many people would have the same way of thinking. And I was actually aware of the 7.2 magnitude foreshock two days before the main earthquake. But to my horror of horrors, there were actually two foreshocks of magnitude above 6, prior to the main earthquake, on the exact same day. Really sucks. My heart's with you Japan.

Especially hearing about the nuclear meltdowns, tsunamis and perhaps even volcanic eruptions. I think the only word to express this feeling is CONFUZZED! I learned that from watching Mary & Max. Simple but heartwarming show, more than awesome to me definitely. Anyways, I texted my buddy almost in the instance of knowing of the Japanese earthquake and I certainly hope she'll stay safe. I mean if she were in Japan I think I'll just cry and cry until my eyes pop like those of goldfish and I'd give all I've got to get air tickets for her to come over to Singapore.

That aside, the Muslim uprising in the Middle East isn't getting any better either. Oh God, is this what is written in the Revelations about end times? Messy and crazy? So easy to lose our faith cos we begin to wonder why aren't you intervening in the madness. Because so far, nothing has hit Singapore we can still say our faith is deeply rooted. But I guess in those troubled times, there's really nothing you can hold on to, except for God.

Stay strong Sendai!
Japan being my favourite country ever, please stay safe.. all the nuclear plants please listen to me and not melt. Thanks.